To look through your eyes!

I am coming to terms with something in my life! I have completely gone off the rails and lost my way once more. People tell me I’m looking fab and haven’t you lost so much weight!

This is not what I see when I look in the mirror or try on clothes, half my wardrobe still fits me, in fact I decorated the hallway last weekend , so lots of movement in a pair of trousers I wore before I supposedly lost all this weight everyone keeps going on about, yet they didn’t fall down!

So basically I would love to look through your eyes and see what you see, I would love to see that I am slim to you, because that is not what I see, I feel someone who tries ever so hard but is still repulsive. I see someone who lives on the edge wondering when it is that my husband actually realises he is completely out my league and leave me.

I want to be able to enjoy food again, for the guilt feeling when I eat to go. I want to not see the feeling of hunger to be a sign of weakness. I want to stop crying and enjoy a meal with my boys, where they either don’t pull a face because Mummy’s home cooked food has disappeared or ask me, “But Mummy, why aren’t you eating them same as us”.

But most of all I don’t want my baby boy to feel he needs to hide food in his room and eat them in the middle of the night because he doesn’t want mummy to be upset!


3 responses to “To look through your eyes!

  1. You’ve lost a lot of weight – If you can’t see that… I’ve got the number here for specsavers 😉 haha….
    As far as eating food again…. a little of what you like never killed anyone… just keep exercising… if you eat a bag of crisps thats 100cal… then burn that off in one of your bootcamps (which will be a piece of p***) you won’t gain weight! you haven’t gotta eat dust to get skinny… you’ve done the hard part, now you can just maintain what you’ve lost… which you’ve worked really hard for!
    I can’t really talk as I’ve gained about 20stone over the festive period… but you’ve done really well – stop putting yourself down! – love you lots!!

  2. Repeat after me: I am beautiful and I am changing my life for the better.
    You are, and I mean this this from the bottom of my heart, one of the most inspirational people I have ever met. I’m not saying this to make you feel better. It’s the truth, plain and simple.
    I had exactly the same feelings when I was losing weight. It takes time for your brain to catch up with the changes in your body. It WILL pass, I promise you.
    Stick with it. It is so worth it in the end. This self doubt is being caused by low self esteem and we both know that low self esteem can go screw itself.
    And if the boys ask about the different food, just tell them that they still have lots of growing to do, so they need to eat up.
    And by the way, despite getting to goal and generally being size 10, I do still have size 14 leggings that fit. Clothes sizes are bullcrap!

  3. Pingback: Top Ten UK Mummy Blog Posts from Tots100, week 42 | Tots 100

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