I am coming to terms with something in my life! I have completely gone off the rails and lost my way once more. People tell me I’m looking fab and haven’t you lost so much weight!
This is not what I see when I look in the mirror or try on clothes, half my wardrobe still fits me, in fact I decorated the hallway last weekend , so lots of movement in a pair of trousers I wore before I supposedly lost all this weight everyone keeps going on about, yet they didn’t fall down!
So basically I would love to look through your eyes and see what you see, I would love to see that I am slim to you, because that is not what I see, I feel someone who tries ever so hard but is still repulsive. I see someone who lives on the edge wondering when it is that my husband actually realises he is completely out my league and leave me.
I want to be able to enjoy food again, for the guilt feeling when I eat to go. I want to not see the feeling of hunger to be a sign of weakness. I want to stop crying and enjoy a meal with my boys, where they either don’t pull a face because Mummy’s home cooked food has disappeared or ask me, “But Mummy, why aren’t you eating them same as us”.
But most of all I don’t want my baby boy to feel he needs to hide food in his room and eat them in the middle of the night because he doesn’t want mummy to be upset!