I’ve been in a fog the past couple of weeks, I think post Christmas gets most people. I have got other dangerous things going on in that old mind of mine, however all in all it’s that time of year where things can just easily get on top of me and make me feel like I can not cope.
In doing my morning routine of getting up, feeding various children, packing the hubster off to work and sending the boys upstairs to brush teeth etc, I get 10 minutes to check emails, Facebook, twitter and the like. This morning on Facebook there was the usual chit chat on the time line, a long with a load of rubbish that I normally flick straight past. Then this one youtube video caught my eye. It was a person who doesn’t normally put up videos, and people had been commenting on it, so I thought it mustn’t be a virus like they have been known to be.
I click, I watched, I cried.
This man, this awe inspiring man just saw life in the correct way. And yes I do believe there is a correct way to view life and I don’t have proof to back it up, it’s just the correct way, which is having a positive outlook on life regardless of what it is life throws at you.
I leave the video with you to watch. Please tell me what you think of it and him as I just feel this amazing man needs to publicity.
For so long I have gone through life feeling as if I was firmly in the driving seat! I have taken a glance in the rear view mirror and it has become apparent I am a back seat driver!
I am coming to terms with something in my life! I have completely gone off the rails and lost my way once more. People tell me I’m looking fab and haven’t you lost so much weight!
This is not what I see when I look in the mirror or try on clothes, half my wardrobe still fits me, in fact I decorated the hallway last weekend , so lots of movement in a pair of trousers I wore before I supposedly lost all this weight everyone keeps going on about, yet they didn’t fall down!
So basically I would love to look through your eyes and see what you see, I would love to see that I am slim to you, because that is not what I see, I feel someone who tries ever so hard but is still repulsive. I see someone who lives on the edge wondering when it is that my husband actually realises he is completely out my league and leave me.
I want to be able to enjoy food again, for the guilt feeling when I eat to go. I want to not see the feeling of hunger to be a sign of weakness. I want to stop crying and enjoy a meal with my boys, where they either don’t pull a face because Mummy’s home cooked food has disappeared or ask me, “But Mummy, why aren’t you eating them same as us”.
But most of all I don’t want my baby boy to feel he needs to hide food in his room and eat them in the middle of the night because he doesn’t want mummy to be upset!
Do you know a person that is lovely? Will bend over backwards for you at all time, has the most pleasant manner! We all know don’t we?
So why is that it these people that always appeared to be shit on the most in life? I grew up with a girl and her lovely family who unfortunately all the girls died, the eldest being 18 years old. Then a few years later the mum died of cancer. It’s just shit, they were lovely wouldn’t hurt a soul, I ran the marathon in Marian’s memory, It has been over 10 years since she past, but I still miss her and think of her often.
More up to date, I have a new friend, when I say new we have been friendly for the past 2 years. We became friendly through our children. Last year her and her family laid to rest the head of their family. It tore them apart, they had to build back from the bottom, and just as they begin to move forward they find out that the reason the elder died the mum now has. It tore my heart out my chest, and it’s not even my mum. I stood there and watched the life drain from my friends eyes. Everything had started to rebuild. The foundations had been laid bare, why is it that they appeared they have built it on marsh land.
I want to go into a shop and pick up a dress and not be bothered about how I look in it because I know I look fabulous.
I want to feel desired not just by my husband but by other men and woman, I am not saying I want to leave my husband but can I not be kitty on his arm.
I want to go swimming again, I’m not talking a bikini no just a costume would do, my children miss out on so much because of how I feel.
I want to be able to dress for summer inside of having a wardrobes filled with over sized hoodys.
But most of all I want to be HAPPY!
Week 1 exercise more every day and 4lb lost, the only person whom will achieve what I want is me!
Do you ever get that feeling that you don’t know in what direction your life is travelling?
I get it after big events! It’s my come down I suppose, and with nothing to really look forward to, or sink my teeth into, I easily become bored and slightly depressed.
I am never happy unless I am moving at 100mph, as I am currently lying in bed writing this instead of getting up and ready to take G to school I think it’s fair to say I’m currently going at about 25mph.
There are a few ideas in the pipework and I’m hoping on pulls off, so watch this space for the speed freak to return.
You see and read a bubbly person. You hear and talk with a confident person. However who you think I am is in fact complete different.
Their’s 2 of me you see, there is the person I actually am introverted, self conscious eager to please, yearning to be loved, desperate for acceptance. However you think I’m happy-go-lucky, beaming with confidence, in control.
I’ll tell you who is in control, the voices inside my head, they tell me everything is wrong and that no-one likes me. They tell me to work faster, try harder, and that good is never good enough. It will never matter what I write, type, speak, do, act, wear. It will never be right or perfect!
I couldn’t tell when it started, all I can tell you is that I can’t ever remember not hearing them!
The real me is under there, somewhere, she ventures out occasional, however people push her back in. It is never their fault, they don’t realise what they say, act, write just fuels that voice.
I will push you away if you get too close, be warned.