For so long I have gone through life feeling as if I was firmly in the driving seat! I have taken a glance in the rear view mirror and it has become apparent I am a back seat driver!
I am coming to terms with something in my life! I have completely gone off the rails and lost my way once more. People tell me I’m looking fab and haven’t you lost so much weight!
This is not what I see when I look in the mirror or try on clothes, half my wardrobe still fits me, in fact I decorated the hallway last weekend , so lots of movement in a pair of trousers I wore before I supposedly lost all this weight everyone keeps going on about, yet they didn’t fall down!
So basically I would love to look through your eyes and see what you see, I would love to see that I am slim to you, because that is not what I see, I feel someone who tries ever so hard but is still repulsive. I see someone who lives on the edge wondering when it is that my husband actually realises he is completely out my league and leave me.
I want to be able to enjoy food again, for the guilt feeling when I eat to go. I want to not see the feeling of hunger to be a sign of weakness. I want to stop crying and enjoy a meal with my boys, where they either don’t pull a face because Mummy’s home cooked food has disappeared or ask me, “But Mummy, why aren’t you eating them same as us”.
But most of all I don’t want my baby boy to feel he needs to hide food in his room and eat them in the middle of the night because he doesn’t want mummy to be upset!
You see and read a bubbly person. You hear and talk with a confident person. However who you think I am is in fact complete different.
Their’s 2 of me you see, there is the person I actually am introverted, self conscious eager to please, yearning to be loved, desperate for acceptance. However you think I’m happy-go-lucky, beaming with confidence, in control.
I’ll tell you who is in control, the voices inside my head, they tell me everything is wrong and that no-one likes me. They tell me to work faster, try harder, and that good is never good enough. It will never matter what I write, type, speak, do, act, wear. It will never be right or perfect!
I couldn’t tell when it started, all I can tell you is that I can’t ever remember not hearing them!
The real me is under there, somewhere, she ventures out occasional, however people push her back in. It is never their fault, they don’t realise what they say, act, write just fuels that voice.
I will push you away if you get too close, be warned.