To look through your eyes!

I am coming to terms with something in my life! I have completely gone off the rails and lost my way once more. People tell me I’m looking fab and haven’t you lost so much weight!

This is not what I see when I look in the mirror or try on clothes, half my wardrobe still fits me, in fact I decorated the hallway last weekend , so lots of movement in a pair of trousers I wore before I supposedly lost all this weight everyone keeps going on about, yet they didn’t fall down!

So basically I would love to look through your eyes and see what you see, I would love to see that I am slim to you, because that is not what I see, I feel someone who tries ever so hard but is still repulsive. I see someone who lives on the edge wondering when it is that my husband actually realises he is completely out my league and leave me.

I want to be able to enjoy food again, for the guilt feeling when I eat to go. I want to not see the feeling of hunger to be a sign of weakness. I want to stop crying and enjoy a meal with my boys, where they either don’t pull a face because Mummy’s home cooked food has disappeared or ask me, “But Mummy, why aren’t you eating them same as us”.

But most of all I don’t want my baby boy to feel he needs to hide food in his room and eat them in the middle of the night because he doesn’t want mummy to be upset!

10 weeks 12 lbs!

In 10 weeks it’s my 6 wedding anniversary. R also turns 3. I want to be at goal by then. I have 12lb to go. To say I’ve been in limbo for a while is an under statement to say the least. I just couldn’t get back into the swing of it from being on holiday in October. I kept having an excuse in my own mind. It’s G’s birthday, It’s Christmas etc!

However I was only fooling myself, my weight watchers leader doesn’t give a hoot really, It’s my own self that needs to be accountable for my own actions.

I have upped my water intake again this week. And lots of things have been cut down. I have cut down on chocolate, I wish really wish I could state I had cut out but I haven’t :(. Today I will not let a piece of chocolate pass my lips, or a biscuit. I can’t, I need to prove to myself that I can do this.

I have walked 7 miles more than usually do this week, and incorporated a work out into my cleaning job, as well as that batty bike ride in did this morning in that wind *nut job*. So Exercise is back up and running *excuse the pun*. Bootcamp on Friday night come rain or shine. I am looking for a Zumba in my local area on Friday afternoons but not seeming too successful currently but i’ll keep trying.

I will update my weight on Saturday.

I want!

I want to go into a shop and pick up a dress and not be bothered about how I look in it because I know I look fabulous.

I want to feel desired not just by my husband but by other men and woman, I am not saying I want to leave my husband but can I not be kitty on his arm.

I want to go swimming again, I’m not talking a bikini no just a costume would do, my children miss out on so much because of how I feel.

I want to be able to dress for summer inside of having a wardrobes filled with over sized hoodys.

But most of all I want to be HAPPY!

Week 1 exercise more every day and 4lb lost, the only person whom will achieve what I want is me!